On the joys of sellotape

Sellotape is great stuff. I mean truly great stuff. Duct tape or Gaffer tape tend to get all the major credit, but sellotape is just cool. Okay so it may not be as strong as those other types, but its see-through... that's gotta be worth extra points. I mean, if you break someone's window and try mending it with duct tape, they'll notice immediately, sellotape however is see-through so it could give extra vital seconds in which to make your escape.

That is of course, only if they don't spot the huge discarded ball of stuck-together-sellotape you threw into the corner. Its actually been proven to be a mathematical impossibility to use sellotape without the stuff bending over at some point and sticking to itself.

In fact one of the greatest skills of sellotape is sticking to itself; I think that's probably the thing it does best. Unfortunately I'm not aware of any situation that actually calls for sellotape to be stuck to itself; most of the time you wish to stick it to other things, but its good to be top in something. And anyway, sticking to itself does come in slightly useful...

How about those times it decides to do that endless role trick it does; where it hides the edge of the tape inside itself, even though you only had it a minute ago. There really is nothing quite like the feeling of running your nail round and round the roll trying to feel the bump of the join; knowing it must be there somewhere, but totally failing to find it. There comes to be a point in time, when you've run each finger around in both directions and still you can't find it. You can even find yourself wondering if the end has somehow fallen off, or if you've thrown it away or its stuck it on the underside of the scissors.

Of course when you do find the end, you'll have lost the scissors, because they've managed to stick themselves to your elbow along with a spare bit of tape, which you wont notice for hours. But because you've now got the tape unravelling you decide to break it by biting, a technique that invariably goes horribly wrong. Whilst the tape may break, a small triangle of it will stick to your lip, a piece thats large enough to feel, but small enough not to see. And in your efforts to flick it off your lip; the selotape will decide to stick to itself again. At this point you may wish to give up on sellotape, but you shouldn't.

Without selotape things could never be put together on a semi-permanent basis, unless you used the far less practical glue.
Presents couldn't be wrapped. Things at school could never have been made. You'd never be able to find years old craft makes. Makes which are now held together by yellow, unsticky, and slightly smelly, selotape.

So don't forget good ole' Sellotape: Number one object for sticking to sellotape.

University of Lincoln Fire Alarm Procedure

On hearing the fire alarm please follow the guide below; remember during a real fire alarm the noise will be far to loud for you to think properly so study this now:

1. Check if this is a 'real' fire or not. Many a time has been wasted evacuating for those pretend fires which are really not that dangerous and can safely be ignored. To establish the real-ness of a fire the tutor should leave the room and look around the corridor. In the unlikely event no-one else knows either return to the seminar group and ask the students.
   
   
2. If the fire alarm continues and you are still unsure on the realness of the fire remain as you are and maybe have a discussion about whether or not to move. Remember time is not really a factor here, if there was a fire you're all going to have burned already waiting to see if its real or not.
   
   
3. On deciding to move make your way slowly to the nearest door and complain vigorously if you have to go down a flight of stairs. If you are on the 3rd floor or higher try to persuade a group sit-in. Fire is extremely accommodating for laziness and is known never to attack a group.
   
   
4. Make sure everyones belongings are removed from the room, then lock up anyway. This means no-one dressed in a fire costume can sneak in and steal stuff.
   
   
5. Loud conversations should then be held about the stupidity of the event and how it would be better if we could just burn in peace. Conversations should also feature comments about the loudness of the alarms and the amount of noise everyone else is making.
   
   
6. All people should then walk slowly down the stairs complaining that they can't use the lift. The amount of complaining should be doubled if the stairs have only been ascended in the last ten to fifteen minutes.
   
   
7. When on the ground floor go outside and move to a small way away from the building. This distance should not be greater then half the length of fires reach. If asked to move further ignore instructions.
   
   
8. Whilst waiting to be let back in a register may be taken. To assist this action spread around the building or wander off to get a coffee. If you smoke take the time to light up, this makes the outside more smoky then inside and could help confuse the fire.
   
   
9. On confirmation of a lack of fire everyone should try to re-enter the building via the fire escape they came out of. These should be shut, but just open them up, its not like they'll set the alarm of again.
   
   
10. When you are allowed back in again make sure everyone travels up the same staircase. Impose a regular speed by having the slowest people at the front. Several people should forget which floor they are on so as to walk against the direction of the majority. Complaints this time should be kept until you are back in seminars, a good five minutes can be wasted discussing having to walk up and down the stairs so often.
    

We thank you for taking these rules into account and trust you will not die here at Lincoln.